Why GI Joe is an Abortion of a Movie

Sometimes you can tell a movie is bad just by the trailer-whether it be too much action or too much plot or it just turns you off.

Well GI JOE was that movie trailer for me. It had too much action, too much plot and generally looked like a Michael Bay abortion of a movie.

Then I saw him

"FANTASTIC?"

Christopher Eccleston. I love me some Eccleston mainly due to the fact he was the 9^th Doctor Who.

I also wanted to see it for nostalgia. GI Joe was one of those thinks I loved as a kid—and

when I mean loved I mean I loved throwing them out the window in my She-ra costume and making my younger brother cry.

Then I saw the cast list and it’s a who’s who wtf casting-

Channing Tatum was tapped as Duke. CHANNING TATUM??? This dude and ex-stripper better known for the Step Up movies….are you fucking kidding me? Way too young and has one face…

BLUE STEEL…

Oh it gets better…

Playing the Baroness Was Sienna Miller-

Who I thought was Kate Bekinsale the whole movie. But even worse I have no idea what she has done besides ruin Jude Law’s marriage…oh well. She did do well running around in a corset and heels with PERFECT HAIR.

Dukes best bud better known as Rip Cord was played by a Wayans brother

….Marlon.. I think…He is one of the twins-the ugly one. Who is known for…being a Wayans brother and was supposed to be the comic relief but not only did was not funny he stalked then only female Joe the whole movie.

"Gowai,Stalker! Oh wait yur like Edward. I rove u!!"

I have no idea who she was but Scarlet was very inept at her duties and looked perfect at all times in her corset and heels-she had a MOTHERFUCKING crossbow.

Bitches doesn’t get a gun apparently, we get cross bows.

Rounding out the cast was
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as heavy duty.

"I will break you"

He’s more known for being Mr. Echo in the show LOST or as Adebise from the show OZ. The latter being one of my all time favorite television shows. I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t take Channing and bend him over a sink and butt fuck him with his little headphones on. I would have paid twelve fiddy to see that!

Saïd Taghmaoui who was Breaker-

who one of my friends thought was John Legueizamo the WHOLE MOVIE. I don’t know what movie this guy was in but he usually plays Arab terrorist #2. Sad. He actually did a good job acting wise.

Arnold Vosloo, the guy from the Mummy was also around an

d of course since he was kind of cool- so they have him as less screen time as p

ossible.

Ray Park who is the coolest stunt man EVER was Snake Eyes.

He needed to be on screen more. SERIOUSLY.

And a Drunk Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

Why Dennis why? Was Adam Baldwin indisposed? Was Michael Ironside still pissed that they didn’t pay him more for Terminator-Salvation? Did Bruce Campbell say FUCK NO,EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS?

I digress.

And then there was the Cobra Commander himself- played by Jason Gorden-Levitt.

"Not the cobra commander but you get the idea.

That’s the kid from Third Rock from the sun folks, who apparently could act. But not in this movie.

He looked more like Darth Vader with a Severus Snape Wig who whined the whole movie and had kind of a thing for his sister. WHAT?

And this chick. As Shitty RedShirt #1. WOST ACTRESS OF THE MOVIE!

In retrospect looking at the cast list I should have run away screaming. Buyt I didn’t. Instead I got really drunk and went to go see it with semi suspicious Dr Who pals.

I made a Face book event and told people this movie looked bad. I remember watching Mirrors and Ghost Ship on the sauce and laughed my ass off. I thought I would laugh instead:

This movie made me sober up

Watching it I thought—this movie. its so familiar..Oh yea Team America:World Police! This move was TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. WITH SHITTER CGI! Here is the plot folks- yes this is the plot:

SPOILERSPOILERSPOLIERS

The movie starts with giving us some bacround on Ellecestons characters anscentor who was a double arms dealer and then the French punished him by wearing a mask.---*sigh @ Doctor Doom rip off*-so fast forward to the present day and Destro (as he later is known as) is trying sell NATO a weapon of Nanomites (Star Trek TNG rip off) that eat metal. And NATO eats this up (pun fucking intended) and want some. What could go wrong with the incompetent NATO having NEW IMPROVED WOMD’s?? And of course Duke and his annoying friend Rip cord are set to transport the warheads (4) with three hummers, two choppers and a Truck. Good job guys. The US Army is made of Dee dee dee’s. Well Destro, of course double crosses them (cliché) and the Baroness, who seems has a history with duke (more cliché). Then we meet the Joe’s, which Duke wants to join and his Mary-sue antics make him part of the team. Back acting and crappy plot continues the movie is a crappy CGI random explosion chicks in tight outfits extravaganza. The whole plot of the movie is how Destro wants to rule the world by fear (and is so Ronrey and Roves the Baroness) but of course we find out in several flashbacks-that the Baroness was engaged to Duke and how he promised to take care of her brother (who became the Cobra Commander) and more flashbacks we see that Snake Eyes, who never says a word -was a scrappy Irish Orphan lost and stealing food in Japan (oh how Empire of the Sun of you) and is quickly taken in with a Chinese Karate Monastery (oh kk how ) and of course Storm Shadow-a Cobra in training- has a problem with this.

Oh god the flash backs are retarded and come at the worst times-Ever. They hurt my brain ya’ll!

That’s the whole movie. I kept thinking in my head: “Why does Michael Bay keep making shitty movies?” and then quickly remembered- THIS ISN”T A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. This movie isn’t even 1980’s movie violence. And what was worse was the acting. When the best acting comes from a Wayans brother-you have to wonder. Blue steel, un-realistic women’s attire and a drunk Dennis Quaid.

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.

In defense of Sylar

Its been a long time since superheroes have gotten a show on prime time TV and for the past four years I have been trying so hard to keep all sense of respect for Heroes.

I watch it for Sylar.



Yes Sylar alias Gabriel Grey alias that dude who kills people and does something icky with their brains so he takes their powers.

I think he’s a compelling character that is wonderfully acted by the talented Zachary Quinto-who’s also nice to look at.

I have sat there through many a season rooting for Sylar-hoping he once and for all, kills that damn cheerleader.

Why would anyone root for this guy anyway? He’s a killer!

Well for one thing, besides the first season of heroes- the show has been pure shit. Characters have changed sides more then I change my underwear(and that’s A LOT),the plot is never coherent and what’s worse is that some of the acting is miserable.

For example- why is Ali Larter STILL on the show- she plays the exact same character but THREE times-as three different sisters.

Or Maya Herrera as portrayed by Dania Ramirez. This character was one of the fan’s most hated yet she was allowed to live and walk away and yet fan favorite Elle Bishop as played by Veronica Mars herself Kristen Bell, was given a gruesome and horrid death.
Then there are characters that disappeared- Like Claude Raines or The Haitian.

Clearly the producers of Heroes don’t know wtf they are doing.

But back to Sylar.

So far they have brought us to the pint where we don’t know if he is good or bad. And now they have given him the ultimate lame ass ending--- Posing as Nathan “numb nuts” Petrelli. Oh and look who is back—Ali Larter as some lame ass character that is coping with her powers, yet again.

SO I have this question: DO the Heroes writes consist of a group of chimpanzees throwing darts?

Because it seems that all the plots are dated and/or recycled. Plot holes are the size of my Aunt Gertrude’s ass and characters are switching sides faster Mayor Bloomberg during an election year.

Please. Its neither compelling nor suspenseful television to allow a character to mope about some girl all season just to kill her off and then make him completely forget about her.

Matt Parkman-I’m looking at you.

Don't get me started on the BS that Hiro Nakamura has to go through. Why does he NOW get nosebleeds?HMMM? 4 yrs and nothing but NOW he gets to get an brain aneurysm


God damn it! What happened to this show?

Is Tim Kring in his basement wishing he were JJ Abrams thus forgetting to map out what the hell will happen on this show.

In my opinion- the only good character they have left is Sylar. People know he is bad and people don’t care.

People don’t even care about Peter Petrelli and how he talks like Rocky Balboa.


No one cares.

NBC. Do us a favor-cancel Heroes. It’ll be better if it were an online comic- maybe then it will gain its respect back, otherwise it’ll drag on for another season without guidance or viewers.

Pathetic really- it could have been great.

I’m sick of Hipsters…I just didn’t realize I may be one of them

It all started several summers ago. I was sitting on my friends stoop in Cobble hill drinking Pabst Blue ribbon and we were listening to Yaz- No body’s diary. We were dressed as we saw fit- classic 80’s vintage from thrift stores we had searched all of New Jersey for. We were going to get drunk and then go into his house and watch Ingamar Bergman movies on his new flat screen hi def TV.

…That’s the summer I realized I could be a hipster.

You can recognize them anywhere- the girls will dress in pseudo vintage clothes they purchased from ebay or thrift stores and dress to the nines. Clothes of choice. Bad jeans, slouchy boots and hat, shirt that says some slogan and a nit cap. Accessories include an iphone and a out of place vest.And lots and lots of mismatched layers

The dudes all have crappy hair, porno facial hair and/or dreads,vest, skinny jeans,flannel and ofcourse Chucks….

…I have Chucks…this is so wrong…

Their favorite pastime is gentrifying ethnic neighborhoods and enjoying indy music and avant garde art.

Favorite foods- anything Indian or organic.

I realized my behavior was and IS killing my age group and I had to make it stop.

But then I realized a hipster rejects the mainstream and popular culture- but doesn’t this behavior a part of the mainstream and popular culture?

If everyone listen to indy music wouldn’t it not be indy anymore.

It’s a catch22 kind of thing.

But the irony is, the hipster, will spend their hard earned money and not understand the value of the investment.

Yes, you can spend top dollar on that shitty apartment

in that gang infested neighborhood but why do that when you can spend less money and move into a cheaper apt in a different neighborhood.

Yes, you can go to whole foods or wait on line outside Trader Joes in Union Square and buy certified organic at top dollar buy why don’t you go into the green market that is located right there and support the Farmer directly?

Also, the hipster cannot comprehend the significance of what they deem kitschy or nostalgic.

Example- PeeWee’s playhouse, when I was growing up was one of the coolest shows on TV. Now the Hipster is buying up the boxed set because it brings them back to their childhood- and not because it was a good TV show. Same thing with half their DVD library.

That’s another thing.

Don’t blame me when your East Williamsburg (aka BUSHWICK) apartment is broken into and your PS3,flat screen TV, Bose music center, Apple Imac etc is stolen. You were the one that decided to move in there in the first place.

In retrospect, I feel sorry for thinking myself as a hipster. I hate Indy Movies and Music,…the avant guarde is crap and I choose retro to NOT fit in.

My music collection represents 20 yrs of musical appreciation-from 80’s op to 90’s alternative to the Beatles and Johnny Cash- Each song speaks to me.

Not because its popular or lack there of.

I’m an individual: choosing to live on the border of what’s popular and what’s not. Its my choice if I wanna listen to Lady GaGa or Pink or fucking Ace Of Base.

My choice.

My choice to laugh at Hipsters because they are now the mainstream and their lack of understanding its irony.

My choice to understand ALL ethnicities ESPECIALLY those in my family.

My choice to understand the neighborhoods BEFORE they were gentrified. The Lower East Side is not for the taking- it belongs to the ghosts of the street cart pushers and the tenement houses and Ellis Island.

..and laughed about Twitter.

In this golden age of technology people can connect with anyone they want to at an alarmingly fast rate. Hell i can turn on Yahoo,AIM, Trillian,MSN, or any of the chat programs and you can chat with your friend-lets say in Singapore about anything under the sun.

In addition to that you can log on face book or Myspace to update people who care about your rinky dink uninteresting life.

Hurray

...Then there's twitter.

I will admit-I'm an addict.

I log on and look at peoples random thoughts...

..about pies and cock socks and weird things.

But if that wasn't the whole thing-even celebs twitter.

I follow Stephen Fry,Trent Reznor, Eddie Izzard,Dave Navarro and many others. They update on what they are doing.

But only fools actually think that these high profile celebs will actually RESPOND to them back.

--Unless you are making fun of Chris Cornell or Richard Patrick.

They don't take kindly to criticism *tee hee*

Is it so wrong that I think the last good albums they had were in Soundgarden and NIN-respectively.

I'm a bitch and I admit it. And i can't live without my twitter.

Oh btw


Hi Chris Cornell

Heard your solo album-produced by Timberland no less- its a crock of shit. You abandoned you're rock roots in search of fortune and pop stardom. You deserve neither. You ar too old to be a pop star. I miss Soundgarden-not so much Audioslave.

You are nothing but a has been rock musician who is having a midlife crisis. And since when is Timberland the "go to" producer? You know T-Bone Ber nett or Rick Rubin- they produce rock..instead you went with some two bit producer who does "wicky wicky" in the background of many of your songs and you call it a day. Even Justin Timberlake is embarrassed to be on this record as his vocals sound weak and embarrassed.

Get your ass back in the studio and do it over. Take out the hip hop beats and add some LYRICS! "Scream from the Top of yo head" makes neither sense nor lyrical magic. Its boring.
You're boring.

And do me a favor get a better look.You look like a hobo version of Dave Navarro. Dave's looked like Dave longer then you have. I liked you better with the shorter hair. Now you look like one of the homeless.

Stop it



And don't get me started on Richard PatrickHey Old man..I got something for you...

Hi Richard Patrick,former member of NIN,lead singer of Filter and younger brother of Robert Patrick.

....or should I say Scott Weiland..

..Whats a matter player? You look like you got kicked in the face by the worst plastic surgeon in all of Beverly Hills. What happened to Filter? Besides being a mediocre mish mash of Creed,Nickleback and NIN its cemented itself as a --has been rock group. "Soldiers of Misfortune?" Really Dick? Wasn't this the same song that Mach box 20 sang before every movie i saw last summer- you know "Citizen Soldier"-what ever. Its fail.

Last good album you had was "Short bus" sad fact - Most good Filter songs come off of soundtracks.

Think about that while you eat your Jurisstol..or something

.and spoke of her summer and gave advise on concerts

This summer is going to be a busy time for me-concert wise.I'm already committed to seeing two NIN concerts and now have some Modwheelmood and Tool to look forward too.I'm probably going to check out the Siren festival in Coney Island and haven't decided if i wanted to see Depeche Mode yet.

I love concerts. The thrill of the rush of cold air as you enter the arena to the anticipation of waiting for the headliner to get their asses on stage. I was fortunate enough to see Nine Inch Nail's Lights in the Sky tour which blew me away. The light show was amazing. I also saw the Foo Fighters last year and were amazed at the acoustic set.

I am glad Trent has evolved from anorexic,angst drug addicted demon to professional,sober,buff,appreciative of his fans rock legend.

I am so glad i am seeing him this tour.

Keys to surviving a concert.

1. Dress comfortable- Dresses', pleather,goth or bondage gear belong in the seats. a simple tee or tank,jeans and boots (for protection) is both practical and safe.

2. Hydrate and eat before entering the arena- that means no getting drunk. Which i know You don't. hell you don't eat..unless its luna bars and squash. That may keep you thin but that don't fix crazy and busted looking.

3. Keep all essentials in the car or at home. You need an ID,a cc and some cash for merch..FRONT POCKET NOT BACK.

4. If you piss me off- I WILL HURT YOU. Just remember in a pit if you are a guy and you beat up on a girl-she may have to hurt you back. LADIES- don't be afraid to pummel a dude if he hurts you in the pit- i have seen security LAUGH at ladies who beat the shit out of dudes and vise versa.

5. Security is there to protect the band and not you- So fuck em
edit: Although JT of NIN security is hella nice

6. If you jump the line- I will tell on you. Its ok if you and a friend wait on line and hold a place for the dude parking the car and what not- but if you allow twelve people to jump the line- you deserve to be cut in front of.

7. Be nice to the people on line- and not just your friends because who knows who is on line. One of those people could be me. I'm a nice person but have been crossed by the same people one too many times.

The world does not revolve around one persons obsession of one persons band. And this goes for all the lines and all the concerts I'm going to see. But it seems i have a problem with one person of one group. Its true. I never had a problem at a Cure concert or at the Eagles of death metal-as a matter of fact i had great times. I just dread going to NIN because i know i will never get front center rail because the small group of obsessed maniacs will be there the day before- its not fair and it ruins the concert experience for the person who may only going to one concert. Some people don't have the time or the cash to follow NIN across the country to podunk town USA.

In conclusion, be nice ,stay away from me and all will go well.

..and took something back

The other day I ranted about how VH1 classic was kinda good. Well i forgot to say when it's good- JUST during the week. On the weekends it becomes "Lets show the same video movies/concerts/specials over and over". I swear,all i want to see is a block of classic videos or pop up video and instead i get more Pink Floyd then i can shake a finger at. And its the same couple of concerts...Or Kiss or Led Zepplin or Spinal Tap.

or they show a marathon of the same show...

...I give up.

Clearly ALL music TV is dead

..and yelled at Ticket buyers

I am not an idiot.

We music fans are not idiots.

Actually most music fans are not idiots but i digress.

I can see what you did there.

You,the idiot buying his Garth Brooks tickets through stub hub,what the hell. Why don't you just go to the front of the arena,club,hayfield or ballgame and just but the tickets from a scalper?

Or you,Idiot,who claims to love Dokken but yet when you go to Ticketmaster it as sold out but directs you to its "sister" site called "Tickets Now" ...But each ticket is three times as much...

Smart move? NO!

In this technological advanced age its easy for scalpers to hide themselves behind legit websites and people all over are falling for it.

I encountered this myself last year. I wanted to get pre-sale tickets to a small club show in Atlantic City and I logged on to Ticketmaster for what was supposed to be 60 Dollar tickets-of course there was high demand for the tickets and i was linked from Ticketmaster to a site called "Tickets Now" and they had tickets for 2oo each!
a. How did they get tickets so fast?
b. Who is the rube actually willing to buy tickets?

Seriously- this is legitimized scalping. Instead of the creepy guy standing outside of an arena discreetly asking you if you are selling or need tickets its now a cleverly disguised and dressed up.

Well i'm sorry: You can dress up a pig in a dress but its still a fucking hog...

Don't get ripped off by these parasites. Check your favorite bands website for details regarding upcoming ticket sales.If your favorite band doesn't address these issues-perhaps its a good idea to skip their concert all together...

..I'm looking at YOU U2

Yea i am talking to you. What happened to you? Did you let Bono's head get so big that now it can only be contained in ARENA tours.

Arena's have shitty acoustics and even shittier seats. Its not fair that some hard working joe to spend some money for a concert only to sit way up in the rear mezz.

What happened to you guys?

You guys use to have a good band with great songs. Your last album sounds like tyopical overblown corporate rock that has plagued mainstream radio.

Don't lose your artistic integrity because you have been around so long that you should be showing how its done..

I refuse to be sucked into this corporate scheme of making money at all costs.I refuse to spend more money then i have to on a concert ticket opting instead to either pay legitimate through ticketmaster or through a bands fan club presale. If i am desperate to see a concert then i rather check Craigslist for a fan that perhaps can't make it and needs to get rid of a ticket-below price.

Thats the difference between a scalper and a fan needing to get rid of a ticket-the price. A scalper can go on ebay and sell a ticket above what its worth. But a fan would rather take the loss then to let the ticket go to waste.

But ultimately its about supply and demand-if people don't get sucked into these schemes then perhaps these sites will not exist...

..and don't get me started on Merchandise...


Edit:

Here is what Trent Reznor says about ticket scalping:
http://forum.nin.com/bb/read.php?9,548515,page=1

..and just wanted to point out.

Dear She who shall not be named,

I won't mention your name for there are so many of you. Its hard to keep track but I can tell you its usually a woman. I have the knack of drawing them to me. The crazies. the pony people,the photo shopping dicks people,the dress makers, the blog fakers.

The obsessives.

The confessors.

The regressors.

The ones with the look of awe on their face.Like they haven't seen the same song over and over.

I am not afraid of your entourage.

I have blocked your tweets.

Ignored your posts.

Ignored your blog.

Laughed at your pathetic fandom inspired artwork.

Now i don't laugh at artists,especially when they have an idea of their own. But its a shame that someone with talent decides to use to to blatantly rip off someone else's work.

I'm an amateur, I know this but I don't pretend to know whats best. Stealing. Thats not whats best.

But here I go, bringing myself to your level. I have never been so obsessed with anything in my life. Life is to short to live in a dream.

Get the help you so desperately need.

and do it now.before its too late

A person who cares,
Tina Doll