I DON’T WANT **BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN AND YOU CANT FORCE ME TO
** Disclamer: I had put the title on Facebook today and got some negative comments. Thus I am adding the word biological to the title so I don’t get some right winger calling me a Leftist Feminazi. My opinion may change tomorrow, but I am entitled to my opinion never the less. The Republicans may try to take away my reproductive rights but they will never take away my right to voice my opinion and outrage on this topic.
My biological clock is on snooze.
I am not in my twenties anymore thus I am expected to pop out some kid because it’s the “feminine thing to do”. It’s the American thing to do too. That’s what June Cleaver did and Mrs Brady! Its easy for men to slip into the American delusion: First college, buy a car, the house, get married,??? And then reap the benefits because that’s the cultural norm. But consider this, I lost the love of my life two years ago March. Alan Fernandez would have made the perfect father. He would have made the perfect(ish..he had problems I know) husband. I am still in a period of morning, even though I am emerging. I can say his name and see his image without crying. Now, I am supposed to pick myself up and try to find someone else: anyone else and pop out kid’s even though I know I am emotionally unable to handle children. I did everything right: I graduated college, got myself into the job market, got experience, got the man, and then it went away. College got me into a ton of debt. Job experience got me nowhere. I slumped into a depression (which I am fighting) and my weight ballooned to unhealthy.
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to deserve this?
Before someone adds: “Maybe God has a plan for you,” Let me add this: Why would God put me through a miserable childhood, teenage years and then dangle happiness in front of me to then yank it away a year later. As the old 80’s song goes: “An owner of a lonely heart is better than an owner of a broken heart”.
I am not young anymore and I can’t do the things I liked to do in my twenties. I use to love concerts and would always be on rail. The last NIN concert hurt me. The Rammstein one gave me whiplash that lasted three days. I use to walk more and now my back hurts most days. I am tired all the time, even when I wake up after 12 hours of sleep.
Why would anyone bring a child into this environment?
The subject of child rearing came up this morning when I was awakened by the two year old upstairs running laps---at 9 am. It pissed me off that the mother didn’t bundle the brat up and sent him outside into the back yard to play with the dog or something. Perfect Prince Wasp wouldn’t get told no for anything. He has to wear a helmet. He has to be safe. Be #1 and never told how harsh life is. Bring a child into the age of ME ME ME isn’t conducive. There are children growing up plugged in, bogged down and some are pampered and preened becoming perfect sociopaths. I would NOT let my child on the net unsupervised. I would NOT give my child electronics like an iphone (a small phone to call home maybe) or an ipad (he or she can use mine). My children would be dressed classy. They would not watch junk- only PBS or educative television. My children would get spanked if they are naughty. They would be geeks and gamers(start them with Mario and Zelda- see what happens)
My children will be bullied for not doing or having any of the previous.
Why would I subject my children to that?
I won’t subject them to my mental illness or even give them one of their own. My family is damaged no matter how much they think they aren’t. My father is an only child, thus he throws tantrums like a two year old and hasn’t spoken to his family for decades. I am all he has. My mother’s family have scattered across the USA because they wanted to escape their parents. If I didn’t feel sorry for my father I would have headed west or even to England years ago. Some use religion as a mask to make themselves feel better. I prefer a healthy dose of antidepressants and antipsychotics instead. I go into this dark fits of rage that I can’t control. If I had health care I would use it for that.
Who wants to see my child shoot up a school? Who wants to see me on the news because I killed my kids?
Some people say “get a pet! They are just like kids” and I say that’s a lie. My cat doesn’t cry all night. My cat doesn’t dirty a room that I have just cleaned. My cat doesn’t throw a tantrum when it wants sweets or to watch a TV show when they shouldn’t.
My cat is awesome.
Her name is Peggy. I got her at a shelter and she has gotten me through some dark feelings. But I have never fixed a cut, never had to breast feed, never had to change a diaper or answer to a teacher that my child flipped off. Peggy eats her dry food and I keep her litter box clean. She also knows when I am sad.
I am not physically able to withstand a pregnancy.
I get migraines and my back hurts all the time. Not to mention the constant lethargy. Yea, can’t handle that. Also I have stomach problems so I am not a good fit.
Who wants to go to my funeral because I died in child birth?
I work hard every day. I come home and I am too tired to cook sometimes. Now imagine if I had to run after a child. Raising children is a full time job and since I don’t have a husband to support me(not that i need one, I would just like someone there for secondary support), I wouldn’t want to be a single mom. After all, some politicians are making it hard for single moms by cutting government subsidies to programs like WIC and head start. I am not a “moocher” so don’t force me to have a child. If I am raped I will take the morning after pill. If I can’t, I am going straight to Planned Parenthood and consulting a doctor for another method. I will have safe sex. No Glove, No love.
Are you going to call me a whore?
And shame on you for calling these women whores or moochers. Single moms work the hardest to give their kids everything.
Will all the above being said: it doesn’t matter if I have children to visit me, if I am stuck in a nursing home my kids aren’t going to come to see me anyway.
My family already has me isolated, what’s going to change?
It doesn’t matter how many people we have around us, how many children, and how many friends: If it is your time you will go and it may be when we are alone.
Alan’s death taught me that.
For all the reasons and rationale, I don’t want biological kids. However, if I can get better mentally and physically, would like to foster kids. I want to give the underprivileged kids: whatever color, a home. Somewhere they can be safe in the light. Somewhere safe from the parents who don’t love them and who wish them harm. In NY this is needed desperately.
With that said who knows what tomorrow will bring-maybe prince charming will come in and sweep me off my feet.
But I’m a realist, like my dad and also a feminist.
He aint coming and I don’t need that motherfucker for anything.
I really miss you. RIP Alan