Well as you noticed I am kind of an asshole and I procrastinate like a mofo. I had promised at Christmas that I would post more but here I am in Feburary,still unorganized. I have even joined tumblr-no reason. Just because.
This past weekend was Valentines day. Another shit for brains holiday that is forced upon the American public under the guise of love and blah blah blah.
Listen, I can buy chocolates that will make me fat and flowers that will wither and die on their own. And if I get jewelry I automatically suspect that you have been cheating on me. I mean look, you just got me some bankrupatble gift for Christmas and now I have to demand something else? What? Is that really necessary ladies?
I mean I am all about getting gifts but that makes me kind of a bitch to expect two big things(unless he just proposed and that means I get to torture him more) in the span of two months.
And what do you get your man for Valentines day?
A tie? A car? A baby?
Ugh shopping for your significant other for this bs holiday is worse than getting him a gift for Christmas. I mean you can’t just give him ANOTHER 100$ gift certificate to Hooters. It’s supposed to be about a couple. And what if you get fuzzy handcuffs and a whip and he isn’t into that shit. There goes your relationship down the toilet. And if you give him a fleshlight- you won’t ever see him
Advice I can give is this- Forget the expensive or inappropriate gifts for Valentines day.
Guys- take your girls shopping and give her spa certificates. Girls like spas. We like shopping. We like candy and flowers too but the end result of a restful day of beating people up for a pair if shoes are always worth it.
Gals-Don’t get your man anything. Cook him a good meal and give him a blowjob. There I said it. Men like two things from women- food and sex. That’s it. I’m serious. You know how surprised he will get when you go down on him without his usual “butter up” routine? This goes especially well for married couples. Marriage usually means the end of the BJ. So give your gift that keeps on giving!
And for my gays- you know what the deal is. Straight people need help. Go on with your bad selves.
That is all.