Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Somewhere....Under the Sea

Somewhere,Under the Sea





Most people don’t know that I am a gamer( not the stupid Gerard Butler movie of the same name though). Even though I honed my skills on Mario, as I get older I enjoy first person shooters especially if they involve zombies/crazy people. Another thing people don’t know about me is the fact that I am in love with America from the 20’s-40’s. You say Art Deco I drool. You play Frank Sinatra,I squee. Sorry,I have a thing for old blue eyes. I also have a thing for Jazz and Swing. Add to the fact that I am fond of marine bology and all things Marine. So imagine if you will a first person shooter, with crazed humans and set in a late 40’s era dystopian society under the sea! It’s called Bioshock and its one of the best games I have ever played. The original game came out in ’07 but the sequal came out last week.

I beat that game in three days. Needless to say I am exhausted and want to start playing again.

Accourding to Wiki:
BioShock is set during 1960, in Rapture, a fictional underwater dystopian city.[31][33] The history of Rapture is learned by the player through audio recordings as he explores the city. Rapture was envisioned by the Randian business magnate Andrew Ryan, who wanted to create a laissez-faire state to escape increasingly oppressive political, economic, and religious authority on land. The city was secretly built in 1946 on a mid-Atlantic seabed, utilizing submarine volcanoes to provide geothermal power.[34] Scientific progress flourished in Rapture, leading to rapid developments in engineering and biotechnology thanks in part to the brilliant scientists that Ryan brought to the city. One such advancement was ADAM, stem cells harvested from a previously unknown species of sea slug, which were discovered by Dr. Bridgette Tenenbaum to have the ability to regenerate damaged tissue and rewrite the human genome. Tenenbaum joined with businessman and mobster Frank Fontaine to create the plasmid industry, which offered superhuman physical enhancements to its customers. Tenenbaum found that ADAM could be mass-produced by implanting the slugs in the stomachs of young girls ("Little Sisters"), taken from orphanages founded by Fontaine.
As time passed, the gap between rich and poor increased. Frank Fontaine established charity organizations to support the underclass (an act antithetical to Ryan's philosophy). His motives were far from altruistic; his ultimate goal was to use his charity organizations to manipulate the underclass. He also established a smuggling operation to supply citizens with forbidden items from the surface, such as religious material. These, along with his control of the plasmid industry, made him immensely powerful. He tried to overthrow Ryan, but the revolt was violently crushed and Fontaine was reportedly killed. Ryan seized control of Fontaine's plasmid business. Within a few months, a new figure named Atlas rose as the leader of the disgruntled lower class. On New Year's Eve of 1959, Atlas and his ADAM-infused followers began a new revolt against Ryan that spread throughout Rapture.[35] Ryan in turn began splicing his own forces, and his paranoia had reached such a level he was hanging dozens of people, mostly innocent, in Rapture's main square. In order to solve ADAM shortages, the Little Sisters were mentally conditioned to wander the city and extract ADAM from the dead, recycling it into raw ADAM in their bellies after swallowing it. "Big Daddies", enhanced and mentally sterilized humans in armored diving suits, were created by Dr. Suchong, the scientist behind many plasmids, to protect the Little Sisters in their work.[31]
A drawback of ADAM is that a user must take regular infusions or suffer mental and physical degeneration. As the war disrupted production and supply, every ADAM user in the city eventually went violently insane. By the time the player arrives, only a handful of non-mutated humans survive in barricaded hideouts.(wikipedia)



When I saw there was a sequel I immediately thought how the hell are they gonna top that? Well they did. NOW you are one of the Big daddies! And you thought that was gonna be easy? You still have plasmids and all kinds of weapons but you also get the Big Daddy Drill but you have to beat “Big Sisters” which are hard as all hell. I was in love. And what’s better is that now you can play multiplayer online! I’m not going to spoil the plot of the second one but I can tell you it’s a great game.

John, I am only dancing.






            Well as you noticed I am kind of an asshole and I procrastinate like a mofo. I had promised at Christmas that I would post more but here I am in Feburary,still unorganized. I have even joined tumblr-no reason. Just because.
This past weekend was Valentines day. Another shit for brains holiday that is forced upon the American public under the guise of love and blah blah blah.

Listen, I can buy chocolates that will make me fat and flowers that will wither and die on their own. And if I get jewelry I automatically suspect that you have been cheating on me. I mean look, you just got me some bankrupatble gift for Christmas and now I have to demand something else? What? Is that really necessary ladies?

I mean I am all about getting gifts but that makes me kind of a bitch to expect two big things(unless he just proposed and that means I get to torture him more) in the span of two months.

And what do you get your man for Valentines day?

A tie? A car? A baby?

Ugh shopping for your significant other for this bs holiday is worse than getting him a gift for Christmas. I mean you can’t just give him ANOTHER 100$ gift certificate to Hooters. It’s supposed to be about a couple. And what if you get fuzzy handcuffs and a whip and he isn’t into that shit. There goes your relationship down the toilet. And if you give him a fleshlight- you won’t ever see him

Advice I can give is this- Forget the expensive or inappropriate gifts for Valentines day.

Guys- take your girls shopping and give her spa certificates. Girls like spas. We like shopping. We like candy and flowers too but the end result of a restful day of beating people up for a pair if shoes are always worth it.

Gals-Don’t get your man anything. Cook him a good meal and give him a blowjob. There I said it. Men like two things from women- food and sex. That’s it. I’m serious. You know how surprised he will get when you go down on him without his usual “butter up” routine? This goes especially well for married couples. Marriage usually means the end of the BJ. So give your gift that keeps on giving!

And for my gays- you know what the deal is. Straight people need help. Go on with your bad selves.

That is all.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Cheer....comes in a bottle





Its Christmas Day.

The stockings have been taken down. The tree is dry and brittle but the cat still likes it. There is wrapping paper everywhere. The youngest isn't even playing with his/her toys---they are playing with the box it came in. The yule log is on the TV but no one is paying attention because Dad is falling asleep because the kids woke him up at 6 am. Mother is in the kitchen,yawning herself awake after popping a xanax or two as she makes some coffee. She attempts to make some sort of food that will hold the children till thier granparents,who still hate her btw,get there.

It is then that i realize-Christmas is forced family interaction. The people that never talk to you year 'round, decide that its in your best interest to come over their house so they can get drunk and give you presents that you haven't asked for nor want. Who thinks its a good idea to give baked goods or homemade gifts for christmas? Not I! Then,they look down on you for the presents that you went into debt for. No one cares. Is it time for the dinner,where most fires and/or fights start? Why yes...Another round of Egg nog for Uncle Tony.


...I wake up in a cold sweat. I haven't been a fan of Christmas for the reasons above. People call me a grinch...Well i never said i disked Christmas- I just don't want it forced fed to me from the day after Halloween. Christmas is about joy,giving and the miracle of the Birth of Christ( or Winter Yule fest if you are pagan) You are forced to say "Happy Holidays" because you don't want to offend someone but yet all there is on TV and everywhere is SANTA SANTA SANTA. What about Hanukkah? What about Kwanzaa? What about Yule?

I say this- If you think that you are forced to go to your in-laws for Christmas- Don't go. If you are single-screw your parents. Make this holiday about joy and giving rather then receiving. Its ok to buy presents on the internet. Black Friday is just a scam anyway- I don't feel it to be necessary to get up at the butt crack of dawn to wait outside a store and then trample people for that one hot toy. If your kid is screaming for the new toy of the year,chances are- they don't deserve it.

And don't even think of giving a child an animal for Christmas. main reason- they will be bored with it after three seconds and then who gets to clean up after the animal-thats right YOU.


And before i hear you say "Oh you are just a single girl who is grinchy because she has no family" Not so.

Yesterday i spent the day with my father,who sometimes annoys me. Together we cooked Christmas dinner and I even sprung for Breakfast. We watched UNChristmasy things and talked. Yes,I had some coquito,but still. Dinner was wonderful and he gave me something that i would want: George Carlin's last book "Last Words"

Tomorrow i get to make a holiday with friends,whose mom is generously cooking and we will be exchanging presents and breaking out British Dvd's. We do this every weekend but hey,exchanging gifts and having fun with friends is nice.

Today,however,Its all about inner reflection- What i am thankful for and how I am so un stressed. I'm even listening to NonTraditional Christmas music- The Venture Brothers and South Park. HA!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Insperation...or whatever that means

Tis the season...

..Or so they say.

I kno i have neglected you sweet blog. I know that your pictures have gone to red x's and your readers have gone and fled. Sans one,and he's an ..ick.

I know i must update you for i have things to say...or so i thought.

I have been busy at work. Its been hell and yes,i know that i had promised a steady stream of annoying anecdotes and observances that warranted me making or whatever that means. basically i was supposed to go Brooklyn on someones ass. Well here i am..its the end of the year and my poor sweet cheap therapy has gone unused. Well no more...I have just seen Julie & Julia ( a fab movie) and if lil miss "look at me i'm cooking" can make a blog(and throw out her marriage) i can certainly make an attempt to write and maintain my piece of the INTERNET. I shall dust off my little BLIGDEAS folder (thats BIG BLOG IDEAS rolled into one) and pulla gem or two out. I have to focus. Which of course,is hard to do when you are writing a novel and working full time... Not to mention trying not to kill your father,brother,mother and teh rest of your self absorbed family.

While they are out making babies i shall do the nobler thing.... I shall educate. Or try to at least inform.


My grammar is horrible...my spelling deplorable...my views narrow minded violent and obscene but i can tell you one thing

I am honest.

I'm not here to make money,friends,or fame.

I am here to piss you off.

So fuck it all and on with the show.


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why GI Joe is an Abortion of a Movie



Sometimes you can tell a movie is bad just by the trailer-whether it be too much action or too much plot or it just turns you off.


Well GI JOE was that movie trailer for me. It had too much action, too much plot and generally looked like a Michael Bay abortion of a movie.


Then I saw him


"FANTASTIC?"



Christopher Eccleston. I love me some Eccleston mainly due to the fact he was the 9th Doctor Who.

I also wanted to see it for nostalgia. GI Joe was one of those thinks I loved as a kid—and

when I mean loved I mean I loved throwing them out the window in my She-ra costume and making my younger brother cry.


Then I saw the cast list and it’s a who’s who wtf casting-


Channing Tatum was tapped as Duke. CHANNING TATUM??? This dude and ex-stripper better known for the Step Up movies….are you fucking kidding me? Way too young and has one face

BLUE STEEL…


Oh it gets better…


Playing the Baroness Was Sienna Miller-

Who I thought was Kate Bekinsale the whole movie. But even worse I have no idea what she has done besides ruin Jude Law’s marriage…oh well. She did do well running around in a corset and heels with PERFECT HAIR.

Dukes best bud better known as Rip Cord was played by a Wayans brother

….Marlon.. I think…He is one of the twins-the ugly one. Who is known for…being a Wayans brother and was supposed to be the comic relief but not only did was not funny he stalked then only female Joe the whole movie.

"Gowai,Stalker! Oh wait yur like Edward. I rove u!!"


I have no idea who she was but Scarlet was very inept at her duties and looked perfect at all times in her corset and heels-she had a MOTHERFUCKING crossbow.


Bitches doesn’t get a gun apparently, we get cross bows.


Rounding out the cast was
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as heavy duty.

"I will break you"



He’s more known for being Mr. Echo in the show LOST or as Adebise from the show OZ. The latter being one of my all time favorite television shows. I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t take Channing and bend him over a sink and butt fuck him with his little headphones on. I would have paid twelve fiddy to see that!


Saïd Taghmaoui who was Breaker-

who one of my friends thought was John Legueizamo the WHOLE MOVIE. I don’t know what movie this guy was in but he usually plays Arab terrorist #2. Sad. He actually did a good job acting wise.

Arnold Vosloo, the guy from the Mummy was also around an

d of course since he was kind of cool- so they have him as less screen time as p

ossible.


Ray Park who is the coolest stunt man EVER was Snake Eyes.

He needed to be on screen more. SERIOUSLY.


And a Drunk Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

Why Dennis why? Was Adam Baldwin indisposed? Was Michael Ironside still pissed that they didn’t pay him more for Terminator-Salvation? Did Bruce Campbell say FUCK NO,EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS?

I digress.


And then there was the Cobra Commander himself- played by Jason Gorden-Levitt.

"Not the cobra commander but you get the idea.


That’s the kid from Third Rock from the sun folks, who apparently could act. But not in this movie.

He looked more like Darth Vader with a Severus Snape Wig who whined the whole movie and had kind of a thing for his sister. WHAT?

And this chick. As Shitty RedShirt #1. WOST ACTRESS OF THE MOVIE!


In retrospect looking at the cast list I should have run away screaming. Buyt I didn’t. Instead I got really drunk and went to go see it with semi suspicious Dr Who pals.

I made a Face book event and told people this movie looked bad. I remember watching Mirrors and Ghost Ship on the sauce and laughed my ass off. I thought I would laugh instead:


This movie made me sober up


Watching it I thought—this movie. its so familiar..Oh yea Team America:World Police! This move was TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. WITH SHITTER CGI! Here is the plot folks- yes this is the plot:



SPOILERSPOILERSPOLIERS

The movie starts with giving us some bacround on Ellecestons characters anscentor who was a double arms dealer and then the French punished him by wearing a mask.---*sigh @ Doctor Doom rip off*-so fast forward to the present day and Destro (as he later is known as) is trying sell NATO a weapon of Nanomites (Star Trek TNG rip off) that eat metal. And NATO eats this up (pun fucking intended) and want some. What could go wrong with the incompetent NATO having NEW IMPROVED WOMD’s?? And of course Duke and his annoying friend Rip cord are set to transport the warheads (4) with three hummers, two choppers and a Truck. Good job guys. The US Army is made of Dee dee dee’s. Well Destro, of course double crosses them (cliché) and the Baroness, who seems has a history with duke (more cliché). Then we meet the Joe’s, which Duke wants to join and his Mary-sue antics make him part of the team. Back acting and crappy plot continues the movie is a crappy CGI random explosion chicks in tight outfits extravaganza. The whole plot of the movie is how Destro wants to rule the world by fear (and is so Ronrey and Roves the Baroness) but of course we find out in several flashbacks-that the Baroness was engaged to Duke and how he promised to take care of her brother (who became the Cobra Commander) and more flashbacks we see that Snake Eyes, who never says a word -was a scrappy Irish Orphan lost and stealing food in Japan (oh how Empire of the Sun of you) and is quickly taken in with a Chinese Karate Monastery (oh kk how ) and of course Storm Shadow-a Cobra in training- has a problem with this.


Oh god the flash backs are retarded and come at the worst times-Ever. They hurt my brain ya’ll!


That’s the whole movie. I kept thinking in my head: “Why does Michael Bay keep making shitty movies?” and then quickly remembered- THIS ISN”T A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. This movie isn’t even 1980’s movie violence. And what was worse was the acting. When the best acting comes from a Wayans brother-you have to wonder. Blue steel, un-realistic women’s attire and a drunk Dennis Quaid.



RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Trent Reznor is a weenie



Trent Reznor is a weenie.

There i said it.

I have been meaning to say it for awhile but didn't want to stir up trouble. But its too late isn't it. Apparently, I was banned from NIN.com. Now, I'm not bitter. As a matter of fact, I am rather relieved. I have been lurking for months with nothing to say- and now i don't need to say a thing.

You see Trent Reznor-who is the sound and main voice behind Nine Inch Nails- decided it was a good idea to go headfirst into social media.

He found this little thing called Twitter and even met a lady on there. But people had hard opinions because private became public.

Anyone who had a difference of opinion- was swiftly banned.

Then there came Metal Sludge.

Its a groupie site that prides itself on gossip and snark.

Some shit they have said its screwed up but who knew the King of Industrial music had thin skinned. Come on dude. Its just opinions.

So pimp decides that he doesn't like the snark and gets peoples IP address' and bans the members on there who are members of NIN.com

---Isn't this an invasion of privacy?

I mean,its not like we are posting peoples address' and telling other fans to slit thier wrists- all things TR has done.

Its a separate fucking site!

He has recently quit twitter and taken his fiancée with him. Which is ok, because she was making an ass out of herself.

Trent,you are a grown ass man who claims privacy yet breaches it.Thats a little hypocritical.You don't know me. If you were to pull that bitchassnes in front of me i would tell you a thing or two.I'm not a coward. I'm not a troll either.

GROW THE HELL UP.

Seriously.

And tell you're fiance to put on some underwear.

Just a friendly suggestion.

I'm still goin to listen to you're music but if your rather have fans who would cut NIN into their boobs or make dresses that resemble you're album covers- so be it. You're the one losing street cred by letting her lead you around by the balls. And no,just because I like your music doesn't mean i am going to buy a Ming and Ping or West Indian Girl album. And there is no way in hells bells am i going to buy her solo project.

And even though she compares herself to Yoko ono,Yoko Ono she is not.
Yoko at least was a shrewed businesswoman and a talented artist.

I like you're music-NIN or solo with a piano.

I'm not going to support them,I rather much get a new NIN album you'll write when she goes back to her exbf Francis Ten.

Because you're still a weenie.

And thats all i have to say.

Weenie

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The world wide FAIL

You got to admit. Its really fun living in todays times. You could live in your home,work in your home and have everything delivered to your doorstep-whether it be food,clothes,shamwows or even Christmas presents.

FUCK BLACK FRIDAY

But I remember the good old days-when you were outside and people had to leave a message and I did my homework on paper. Remember paper?

I do. And i remember books too. Books you had to go to the library for and schlep home.

And the phones bill was horrible!

I remember that.

DO you?

Do you remember when you celebs lives were kinda private and didn't go everywhere just to make fools of themselves by jumping on couches?

or on Twitter?

Before Princess Diana crashed into a wall?

When downloading music was uncool?

Log out

Walk out the door

Live life

and believe me



---I bet they even have an APP for that!