Why GI Joe is an Abortion of a Movie

Sometimes you can tell a movie is bad just by the trailer-whether it be too much action or too much plot or it just turns you off.

Well GI JOE was that movie trailer for me. It had too much action, too much plot and generally looked like a Michael Bay abortion of a movie.

Then I saw him

"FANTASTIC?"

Christopher Eccleston. I love me some Eccleston mainly due to the fact he was the 9^th Doctor Who.

I also wanted to see it for nostalgia. GI Joe was one of those thinks I loved as a kid—and

when I mean loved I mean I loved throwing them out the window in my She-ra costume and making my younger brother cry.

Then I saw the cast list and it’s a who’s who wtf casting-

Channing Tatum was tapped as Duke. CHANNING TATUM??? This dude and ex-stripper better known for the Step Up movies….are you fucking kidding me? Way too young and has one face…

BLUE STEEL…

Oh it gets better…

Playing the Baroness Was Sienna Miller-

Who I thought was Kate Bekinsale the whole movie. But even worse I have no idea what she has done besides ruin Jude Law’s marriage…oh well. She did do well running around in a corset and heels with PERFECT HAIR.

Dukes best bud better known as Rip Cord was played by a Wayans brother

….Marlon.. I think…He is one of the twins-the ugly one. Who is known for…being a Wayans brother and was supposed to be the comic relief but not only did was not funny he stalked then only female Joe the whole movie.

"Gowai,Stalker! Oh wait yur like Edward. I rove u!!"

I have no idea who she was but Scarlet was very inept at her duties and looked perfect at all times in her corset and heels-she had a MOTHERFUCKING crossbow.

Bitches doesn’t get a gun apparently, we get cross bows.

Rounding out the cast was
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as heavy duty.

"I will break you"

He’s more known for being Mr. Echo in the show LOST or as Adebise from the show OZ. The latter being one of my all time favorite television shows. I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t take Channing and bend him over a sink and butt fuck him with his little headphones on. I would have paid twelve fiddy to see that!

Saïd Taghmaoui who was Breaker-

who one of my friends thought was John Legueizamo the WHOLE MOVIE. I don’t know what movie this guy was in but he usually plays Arab terrorist #2. Sad. He actually did a good job acting wise.

Arnold Vosloo, the guy from the Mummy was also around an

d of course since he was kind of cool- so they have him as less screen time as p

ossible.

Ray Park who is the coolest stunt man EVER was Snake Eyes.

He needed to be on screen more. SERIOUSLY.

And a Drunk Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

Why Dennis why? Was Adam Baldwin indisposed? Was Michael Ironside still pissed that they didn’t pay him more for Terminator-Salvation? Did Bruce Campbell say FUCK NO,EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS?

I digress.

And then there was the Cobra Commander himself- played by Jason Gorden-Levitt.

"Not the cobra commander but you get the idea.

That’s the kid from Third Rock from the sun folks, who apparently could act. But not in this movie.

He looked more like Darth Vader with a Severus Snape Wig who whined the whole movie and had kind of a thing for his sister. WHAT?

And this chick. As Shitty RedShirt #1. WOST ACTRESS OF THE MOVIE!

In retrospect looking at the cast list I should have run away screaming. Buyt I didn’t. Instead I got really drunk and went to go see it with semi suspicious Dr Who pals.

I made a Face book event and told people this movie looked bad. I remember watching Mirrors and Ghost Ship on the sauce and laughed my ass off. I thought I would laugh instead:

This movie made me sober up

Watching it I thought—this movie. its so familiar..Oh yea Team America:World Police! This move was TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. WITH SHITTER CGI! Here is the plot folks- yes this is the plot:

SPOILERSPOILERSPOLIERS

The movie starts with giving us some bacround on Ellecestons characters anscentor who was a double arms dealer and then the French punished him by wearing a mask.---*sigh @ Doctor Doom rip off*-so fast forward to the present day and Destro (as he later is known as) is trying sell NATO a weapon of Nanomites (Star Trek TNG rip off) that eat metal. And NATO eats this up (pun fucking intended) and want some. What could go wrong with the incompetent NATO having NEW IMPROVED WOMD’s?? And of course Duke and his annoying friend Rip cord are set to transport the warheads (4) with three hummers, two choppers and a Truck. Good job guys. The US Army is made of Dee dee dee’s. Well Destro, of course double crosses them (cliché) and the Baroness, who seems has a history with duke (more cliché). Then we meet the Joe’s, which Duke wants to join and his Mary-sue antics make him part of the team. Back acting and crappy plot continues the movie is a crappy CGI random explosion chicks in tight outfits extravaganza. The whole plot of the movie is how Destro wants to rule the world by fear (and is so Ronrey and Roves the Baroness) but of course we find out in several flashbacks-that the Baroness was engaged to Duke and how he promised to take care of her brother (who became the Cobra Commander) and more flashbacks we see that Snake Eyes, who never says a word -was a scrappy Irish Orphan lost and stealing food in Japan (oh how Empire of the Sun of you) and is quickly taken in with a Chinese Karate Monastery (oh kk how ) and of course Storm Shadow-a Cobra in training- has a problem with this.

Oh god the flash backs are retarded and come at the worst times-Ever. They hurt my brain ya’ll!

That’s the whole movie. I kept thinking in my head: “Why does Michael Bay keep making shitty movies?” and then quickly remembered- THIS ISN”T A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. This movie isn’t even 1980’s movie violence. And what was worse was the acting. When the best acting comes from a Wayans brother-you have to wonder. Blue steel, un-realistic women’s attire and a drunk Dennis Quaid.

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.