I DON’T WANT *BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN AND YOU CANT FORCE ME TO

I DON’T WANT **BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN AND YOU CANT FORCE ME TO

** Disclamer: I had put the title on Facebook today and got some negative comments. Thus I am adding the word biological to the title so I don’t get some right winger calling me a Leftist Feminazi. My opinion may change tomorrow, but I am entitled to my opinion never the less. The Republicans may try to take away my reproductive rights but they will never take away my right to voice my opinion and outrage on this topic.

My biological clock is on snooze. 

I am not in my twenties anymore thus I am expected to pop out some kid because it’s the “feminine thing to do”. It’s the American thing to do too. That’s what June Cleaver did and Mrs Brady! Its easy for men to slip into the American delusion: First college, buy a car, the house, get married,??? And then reap the benefits because that’s the cultural norm. But consider this, I lost the love of my life two years ago March. Alan Fernandez would have made the perfect father. He would have made the perfect(ish..he had problems I know) husband. I am still in a period of morning, even though I am emerging. I can say his name and see his image without crying. Now, I am supposed to pick myself up and try to find someone else: anyone else and pop out kid’s even though I know I am emotionally unable to handle children. I did everything right: I graduated college, got myself into the job market, got experience, got the man, and then it went away. College got me into a ton of debt. Job experience got me nowhere. I slumped into a depression (which I am fighting) and my weight ballooned to unhealthy.

Where did I go wrong?

What did I do to deserve this?

Before someone adds:  “Maybe God has a plan for you,” Let me add this: Why would God put me through a miserable childhood, teenage years and then dangle happiness in front of me to then yank it away a year later. As the old 80’s song goes: “An owner of a lonely heart is better than an owner of a broken heart”.

I am not young anymore and I can’t do the things I liked to do in my twenties. I use to love concerts and would always be on rail. The last NIN concert hurt me. The Rammstein one gave me whiplash that lasted three days. I use to walk more and now my back hurts most days. I am tired all the time, even when I wake up after 12 hours of sleep. 

Why would anyone bring a child into this environment?

The subject of child rearing came up this morning when I was awakened by the two year old upstairs running laps---at 9 am. It pissed me off that the mother didn’t bundle the brat up and sent him outside into the back yard to play with the dog or something. Perfect Prince Wasp wouldn’t get told no for anything. He has to wear a helmet. He has to be safe. Be #1 and never told how harsh life is. Bring a child into the age of ME ME ME isn’t conducive. There are children growing up plugged in, bogged down and some are pampered and preened becoming perfect sociopaths. I would NOT let my child on the net unsupervised. I would NOT give my child electronics like an iphone (a small phone to call home maybe) or an ipad (he or she can use mine). My children would be dressed classy. They would not watch junk- only PBS or educative television. My children would get spanked if they are naughty. They would be geeks and gamers(start them with Mario and Zelda- see what happens)

My children will be bullied for not doing or having any of the previous.

Why would I subject my children to that?

I won’t subject them to my mental illness or even give them one of their own. My family is damaged no matter how much they think they aren’t. My father is an only child, thus he throws tantrums like a two year old and hasn’t spoken to his family for decades. I am all he has. My mother’s family have scattered across the USA because they wanted to escape their parents. If I didn’t feel sorry for my father I would have headed west or even to England years ago. Some use religion as a mask to make themselves feel better. I prefer a healthy dose of antidepressants and antipsychotics instead. I go into this dark fits of rage that I can’t control. If I had health care I would use it for that. 

Who wants to see my child shoot up a school? Who wants to see me on the news because I killed my kids? 

Some people say “get a pet! They are just like kids” and I say that’s a lie. My cat doesn’t cry all night. My cat doesn’t dirty a room that I have just cleaned. My cat doesn’t throw a tantrum when it wants sweets or to watch a TV show when they shouldn’t.

My cat is awesome. 

Her name is Peggy. I got her at a shelter and she has gotten me through some dark feelings. But I have never fixed a cut, never had to breast feed, never had to change a diaper or answer to a teacher that my child flipped off. Peggy eats her dry food and I keep her litter box clean. She also knows when I am sad.

I am not physically able to withstand a pregnancy.

I get migraines and my back hurts all the time. Not to mention the constant lethargy. Yea, can’t handle that. Also I have stomach problems so I am not a good fit.

Who wants to go to my funeral because I died in child birth?

I work hard every day.  I come home and I am too tired to cook sometimes. Now imagine if I had to run after a child. Raising children is a full time job and since I don’t have a husband to support me(not that i need one, I would just like someone there for secondary support), I wouldn’t want to be a single mom. After all, some politicians are making it hard for single moms by cutting government subsidies to programs like WIC and head start. I am not a “moocher” so don’t force me to have a child. If I am raped I will take the morning after pill. If I can’t, I am going straight to Planned Parenthood and consulting a doctor for another method. I will have safe sex. No Glove, No love.

Are you going to call me a whore?

And shame on you for calling these women whores or moochers. Single moms work the hardest to give their kids everything.

Will all the above being said: it doesn’t matter if I have children to visit me, if I am stuck in a nursing home my kids aren’t going to come to see me anyway.

My family already has me isolated, what’s going to change?

It doesn’t matter how many people we have around us, how many children, and how many friends:  If it is your time you will go and it may be when we are alone. 

Alan’s death taught me that.

For all the reasons and rationale, I don’t want biological kids. However, if I can get better mentally and physically, would like to foster kids. I want to give the underprivileged kids: whatever color, a home. Somewhere they can be safe in the light. Somewhere safe from the parents who don’t love them and who wish them harm. In NY this is needed desperately.

With that said who knows what tomorrow will bring-maybe prince charming will come in and sweep me off my feet.

But I’m a realist, like my dad and also a feminist.

He aint coming and I don’t need that motherfucker for anything.

I really miss you. RIP Alan

I miss George Carlin

Once upon a time, comedians were funny. More than funny. They were right about how screwed up the system was. Today John Stewart and a whole list of writers at the Daily show do this on a daily basis but before them there was George

 George Denis Patrick Carlin. Born May 12th 1937 and died June 22 of 2008. A giant in comedy. A wordmeister. A provocateur. A sensible man.  George started his career in the 60's but grew disenchanted with the style of comedy he was doing (clean cut) and reinvented himself. He then had a long (albiet a rocky) career in comedy.

So few words can be said to sum up this mans life. He died a couple of years ago yet i still feel his impact. I cannot help but to wonder why i dont find any comedian of my generation funny. Is it because some of they do what they do for shock value? Or because they just want that quick laugh? or perhaps they just appeal to a certian eithnic audience.

I think there are so many times some one can say " Hallelujer" or "Get ir Done" before it isn't funny anymore. Having a character or a catchphrase dooms your comedy because thats all that people want to see. Sure, George had the "Al Sleet the hippie dippie weatherman" character but the character was used as a representation or satire of a world he was living in. He didn't do "The Seven Dirty words you can't say on TV" as shock value, he did it as an observation. Nor did he, a Irish Catholic, question the Church he belonged to. Every time he questioned them-he did so because he wanted to know why. Not because he wanted to shock.

Take note Sarah Silverman.

I miss him not only because he was funny- but because he was smart. And not in the snooty way-likeBill Maher. I miss him because he taught us things. About ourselves and eachother.

There will never be another George. Rest in Peace.

(I bet you he is looking up at us from hell and enjoying the view)

Who needs those eyebrows anyway? December 11th 2010 Rammstein show.

I have never been afraid of the dark consciousness. The dark passenger. The id. Being a graduate with a B. A. in Forensic Psychology, I actually welcomed the weird, wild and often sadistic parts of ones brains.I read about it,studied it and obsessed on it. For many years, I listened to Nine Inch Nails, delighting in the evil and twisted lyrics Trent chose to give me. But what I didn’t know, there was a German metal group that had evil lyrics, sadistic riffs, pulsating beats all done with a tad bit of dark humor.

Rammstein.

The name conjures up the dark images of German debauchery. Du Hast. Ich Will. Sex.death. Rock & Roll.

And I loved every minute of it. But I wanted o see them live. Unfortunately, even though they were huge in Europe-they didn’t cross the pond. And of course, I wasn’t in any financial state to go see them. That is until they said they were coming to the Garden

THE GARDEN. Madison Square. Was I happy? Fuck I was ecstatic.

But I needed to get a ticket first and since there were tons of Rammstein fans worldwide that wanted to see them- I was in for a fight. But first, knowing how certain bands are- I joined the fanclub. I hoped there was a presale. There was no announcement of a presale so I tried my hand at getting a ticket. Unfortunately for me, every scalper in NY already had that idea and scooped up any good seat. I got something the 300 level. Seeing the glass half full-I was glad to be in the building. But much to my delight, Rammstein had something in store for its fans. There would be a lotto for better seats-and I won a pit ticket.

Rewind to 2008,the NIN Lights in the sky tour, I fought and clawed in every pit. I danced and sang. I tried to catch a tambourine. It was fun. That is, until dress girl opened her mouth. Some crazy bitch in a NIN inspired dress always managed to get in front of me. That means I needed to be early but not too early.

But the concert was in December and I knew that it was going to be cold. And it was. I arrived at 9:00 am to frigid 30 degrees and all I wanted to do was pass out in Penn station. But I didn’t. I looked in front of me and of course there was a bunch of extreme fans there since God knows when. My mind conjured up pictures of that dress girl and I shuddered. So instead of launching an all out assault- I made friends. The couple from Minnesota, the girls from Chicago, the kid from Chicago, the coworkers from Upstate, some locals including my favorite Armenian ever and of course my BFF Nicole- and with that we became the merry few. We chatted, sang, ate, hung out and held peoples places in line. I went to the bar for some drinks and came back warmer than ever.

Even MSG security was awesome- and I was surprised. 

Some camera crew came by and asked people questions- they asked me to sing Reise,Reise-and I got flustered. So flustered I managed to say “Something, Something-German German.” And then sang the chorus to Pussy. All I wanted to do was die, but I know that’s probably gonna be on the DVD so nyeh. I learned later that the whole thing was being taped for a DVD. Awesome?

We were herded into MSG like cattle and we ran into the pit where I took my place in front of the lead guitarist.

The lights when low and the dream began:

Set list:

Rammlied

Waidmanns Heil

Buckstabu

Weisses Fleisch

Feuer Frei!

Weiner Blut

Fruhling in Paris

Ich tu dir Weh

Du Riechst so Gut

Benzin

Links 234

Du Hast

Pussy

Encore:

Sonne

Haifisch

Ich Will

Second Encore

Engel

The dream was over as quick as it had become. At the end of it, I was toasted, exhausted, soaking wet and covered in confetti. I remember in my dream the Guitarist locking eyes with me the whole show and didn’t let go. 

Till who?

I saw the pussy cannon, the Fire Frei masks,the burning of the crew member during Benin, the Engel wings and the Weiner Blut dolls. And the lead singer gave us his gun during Wiedmanns Heil. I wasn’t afraid. 

The lead singer grabbed your hand and the band guided you on a narrow path that they had skillfully crafted and which was conceived and reared in Europe. It was hot up front. But I saw all that I had imagined a Rammstein show to be. Paul Landers, rhythm guitar, acted like a robot. 

Oliver Reidel, bassist, jammed so hard I didn’t think he was in Rammstein but in Pantera. Christoph Schneider, ascended to heaven on his platform with his drums and brought the audience with him. The Keyboardist, Christopher “Flake” Lorenz allowed himself to play the fool as he was tortured by Till and danced his heart out. 

My sweet, sexual and egotistical guitarist Richard Z. Kruspe, played and pranced around as to try to steal the spotlight. He did, in my heart and in my ears. 

And then there was Till Lindemann, the ringleader, who like no other has titillated and scared many a woman and man into giving him what he wants. He commands your attention. And you give it, willingly. Ignoring the well crafted lyrics of sadism, sexuality and even death. He wants you to hate him. He wants to rip you apart. Stick barb wire up your urethra. But does he ? No. And do you want it. Yes...

Like a woman falling for a serial killer, you ask for more.

The music swelled in my ears and in my heart…and then they were gone. So I let them go, thanking them for their music and their fire.

Please come back to NYC. Please come back to Amerika.

For Lanaia and Anne Marie. Even though, our paths have separated-I will always be grateful for showing me Rammstein. And sometimes, in the dark, I can still hear us laughing and singing along.

Also, for Nicole- who eventhough doesn't know Rammstein, went with me anyway and headbanged along with me.

Naomi Campbell shouldn't be a cop.

I have a bone to pick with Television today. It’s mainly about its depiction of police officers. I want to know who in their right mind decided that cops are supposed to be pretty people.

Seriously Rizzoli and Isles? Castle? The Closer?

I’m sorry I have never met a female detective who is young and pretty as these women are. I mean even Mariska Hargitay of Law and Order SVU looks likes she has been through the ringer. But she is a New York cop and “expected” to be glamorous. A US Marshall on Justified has to be thin and beautiful.

I’m sorry to bust a bubble but I have seen real U.S. Marshalls and I have met real FBI agents and none of them were “lookers”. They were intelligent, official looking, hard workers and did what they did best- getting the bad guys. I am not saying that all Law enforcement officials are ugly, not by a long shot. I am just saying that the Hollywood depiction of it is all wrong.

First off- Training. It depend on what Law Enforcement branch you work for but all law enforcement training takes a lot of dedication and hard work. In the case of local law enforcement, it takes a little less training but not as less of dedication and hard work.

Scondly – time. I am sorry; to be a Detective it takes years and years of footwork as a patrol officer. And then you have to test in order to even be considered to become a detective. And even if you get your shield- there are ranks within ranks.

Thirdly- Attitude. Yeah, we all know that cops have this “blue wall of silence” in which they protect their own. So if they see a cop/detective/what have you making rash judgments and putting people at risk-you think he or she would have been weeded out?

My question is this: What in recent society has changed that now demands that we see our law enforcement to be portrayed as thin, model like, young, and angry things?

Is it the fact that Americans are getting fatter?

Or are we getting vainer?

In conclusion, Naomi Campbell was never meant to be a cop. If she tried running in her 6 inch heels she would fall flat on her face or even worse, get herself into a heap of trouble. That’s another thing when a woman cop fires her gun or gets kidnapped- its ok the next week. Yea my mom got murdered-but I am ok with that (Castle). I’m sorry, coming from psychological standpoint-shit like that stays with you. This is why I love Law and Order SVU- because that shit has stayed with that character. All I ask in my police shows-there is some realism. Every cop is not a beautiful princess in disguise. Some shouldn’t see the light of day. Some have way too many donuts. And these are the cops on my case. Would you rather have Cindy Crawford on your case or Cagney and Lacy?

Somewhere....Under the Sea

Somewhere,Under the Sea

Most people don’t know that I am a gamer( not the stupid Gerard Butler movie of the same name though). Even though I honed my skills on Mario, as I get older I enjoy first person shooters especially if they involve zombies/crazy people. Another thing people don’t know about me is the fact that I am in love with America from the 20’s-40’s. You say Art Deco I drool. You play Frank Sinatra,I squee. Sorry,I have a thing for old blue eyes. I also have a thing for Jazz and Swing. Add to the fact that I am fond of marine bology and all things Marine. So imagine if you will a first person shooter, with crazed humans and set in a late 40’s era dystopian society under the sea! It’s called Bioshock and its one of the best games I have ever played. The original game came out in ’07 but the sequal came out last week.

I beat that game in three days. Needless to say I am exhausted and want to start playing again.

Accourding to Wiki:
BioShock is set during 1960, in Rapture, a fictional underwater dystopian city.[31][33] The history of Rapture is learned by the player through audio recordings as he explores the city. Rapture was envisioned by the Randian business magnate Andrew Ryan, who wanted to create a laissez-faire state to escape increasingly oppressive political, economic, and religious authority on land. The city was secretly built in 1946 on a mid-Atlantic seabed, utilizing submarine volcanoes to provide geothermal power.[34] Scientific progress flourished in Rapture, leading to rapid developments in engineering and biotechnology thanks in part to the brilliant scientists that Ryan brought to the city. One such advancement was ADAM, stem cells harvested from a previously unknown species of sea slug, which were discovered by Dr. Bridgette Tenenbaum to have the ability to regenerate damaged tissue and rewrite the human genome. Tenenbaum joined with businessman and mobster Frank Fontaine to create the plasmid industry, which offered superhuman physical enhancements to its customers. Tenenbaum found that ADAM could be mass-produced by implanting the slugs in the stomachs of young girls ("Little Sisters"), taken from orphanages founded by Fontaine.
As time passed, the gap between rich and poor increased. Frank Fontaine established charity organizations to support the underclass (an act antithetical to Ryan's philosophy). His motives were far from altruistic; his ultimate goal was to use his charity organizations to manipulate the underclass. He also established a smuggling operation to supply citizens with forbidden items from the surface, such as religious material. These, along with his control of the plasmid industry, made him immensely powerful. He tried to overthrow Ryan, but the revolt was violently crushed and Fontaine was reportedly killed. Ryan seized control of Fontaine's plasmid business. Within a few months, a new figure named Atlas rose as the leader of the disgruntled lower class. On New Year's Eve of 1959, Atlas and his ADAM-infused followers began a new revolt against Ryan that spread throughout Rapture.[35] Ryan in turn began splicing his own forces, and his paranoia had reached such a level he was hanging dozens of people, mostly innocent, in Rapture's main square. In order to solve ADAM shortages, the Little Sisters were mentally conditioned to wander the city and extract ADAM from the dead, recycling it into raw ADAM in their bellies after swallowing it. "Big Daddies", enhanced and mentally sterilized humans in armored diving suits, were created by Dr. Suchong, the scientist behind many plasmids, to protect the Little Sisters in their work.[31]
A drawback of ADAM is that a user must take regular infusions or suffer mental and physical degeneration. As the war disrupted production and supply, every ADAM user in the city eventually went violently insane. By the time the player arrives, only a handful of non-mutated humans survive in barricaded hideouts.(wikipedia)

When I saw there was a sequel I immediately thought how the hell are they gonna top that? Well they did. NOW you are one of the Big daddies! And you thought that was gonna be easy? You still have plasmids and all kinds of weapons but you also get the Big Daddy Drill but you have to beat “Big Sisters” which are hard as all hell. I was in love. And what’s better is that now you can play multiplayer online! I’m not going to spoil the plot of the second one but I can tell you it’s a great game.

John, I am only dancing.

            Well as you noticed I am kind of an asshole and I procrastinate like a mofo. I had promised at Christmas that I would post more but here I am in Feburary,still unorganized. I have even joined tumblr-no reason. Just because.

This past weekend was Valentines day. Another shit for brains holiday that is forced upon the American public under the guise of love and blah blah blah.

Listen, I can buy chocolates that will make me fat and flowers that will wither and die on their own. And if I get jewelry I automatically suspect that you have been cheating on me. I mean look, you just got me some bankrupatble gift for Christmas and now I have to demand something else? What? Is that really necessary ladies?

I mean I am all about getting gifts but that makes me kind of a bitch to expect two big things(unless he just proposed and that means I get to torture him more) in the span of two months.

And what do you get your man for Valentines day?

A tie? A car? A baby?

Ugh shopping for your significant other for this bs holiday is worse than getting him a gift for Christmas. I mean you can’t just give him ANOTHER 100$ gift certificate to Hooters. It’s supposed to be about a couple. And what if you get fuzzy handcuffs and a whip and he isn’t into that shit. There goes your relationship down the toilet. And if you give him a fleshlight- you won’t ever see him

Advice I can give is this- Forget the expensive or inappropriate gifts for Valentines day.

Guys- take your girls shopping and give her spa certificates. Girls like spas. We like shopping. We like candy and flowers too but the end result of a restful day of beating people up for a pair if shoes are always worth it.

Gals-Don’t get your man anything. Cook him a good meal and give him a blowjob. There I said it. Men like two things from women- food and sex. That’s it. I’m serious. You know how surprised he will get when you go down on him without his usual “butter up” routine? This goes especially well for married couples. Marriage usually means the end of the BJ. So give your gift that keeps on giving!

And for my gays- you know what the deal is. Straight people need help. Go on with your bad selves.

That is all.

Christmas Cheer....comes in a bottle

Its Christmas Day.

The stockings have been taken down. The tree is dry and brittle but the cat still likes it. There is wrapping paper everywhere. The youngest isn't even playing with his/her toys---they are playing with the box it came in. The yule log is on the TV but no one is paying attention because Dad is falling asleep because the kids woke him up at 6 am. Mother is in the kitchen,yawning herself awake after popping a xanax or two as she makes some coffee. She attempts to make some sort of food that will hold the children till thier granparents,who still hate her btw,get there.

It is then that i realize-Christmas is forced family interaction. The people that never talk to you year 'round, decide that its in your best interest to come over their house so they can get drunk and give you presents that you haven't asked for nor want. Who thinks its a good idea to give baked goods or homemade gifts for christmas? Not I! Then,they look down on you for the presents that you went into debt for. No one cares. Is it time for the dinner,where most fires and/or fights start? Why yes...Another round of Egg nog for Uncle Tony.


...I wake up in a cold sweat. I haven't been a fan of Christmas for the reasons above. People call me a grinch...Well i never said i disked Christmas- I just don't want it forced fed to me from the day after Halloween. Christmas is about joy,giving and the miracle of the Birth of Christ( or Winter Yule fest if you are pagan) You are forced to say "Happy Holidays" because you don't want to offend someone but yet all there is on TV and everywhere is SANTA SANTA SANTA. What about Hanukkah? What about Kwanzaa? What about Yule?

I say this- If you think that you are forced to go to your in-laws for Christmas- Don't go. If you are single-screw your parents. Make this holiday about joy and giving rather then receiving. Its ok to buy presents on the internet. Black Friday is just a scam anyway- I don't feel it to be necessary to get up at the butt crack of dawn to wait outside a store and then trample people for that one hot toy. If your kid is screaming for the new toy of the year,chances are- they don't deserve it.

And don't even think of giving a child an animal for Christmas. main reason- they will be bored with it after three seconds and then who gets to clean up after the animal-thats right YOU.


And before i hear you say "Oh you are just a single girl who is grinchy because she has no family" Not so.

Yesterday i spent the day with my father,who sometimes annoys me. Together we cooked Christmas dinner and I even sprung for Breakfast. We watched UNChristmasy things and talked. Yes,I had some coquito,but still. Dinner was wonderful and he gave me something that i would want: George Carlin's last book "Last Words"

Tomorrow i get to make a holiday with friends,whose mom is generously cooking and we will be exchanging presents and breaking out British Dvd's. We do this every weekend but hey,exchanging gifts and having fun with friends is nice.

Today,however,Its all about inner reflection- What i am thankful for and how I am so un stressed. I'm even listening to NonTraditional Christmas music- The Venture Brothers and South Park. HA!

Insperation...or whatever that means

Tis the season...

..Or so they say.

I kno i have neglected you sweet blog. I know that your pictures have gone to red x's and your readers have gone and fled. Sans one,and he's an ..ick.

I know i must update you for i have things to say...or so i thought.

I have been busy at work. Its been hell and yes,i know that i had promised a steady stream of annoying anecdotes and observances that warranted me making or whatever that means. basically i was supposed to go Brooklyn on someones ass. Well here i am..its the end of the year and my poor sweet cheap therapy has gone unused. Well no more...I have just seen Julie & Julia ( a fab movie) and if lil miss "look at me i'm cooking" can make a blog(and throw out her marriage) i can certainly make an attempt to write and maintain my piece of the INTERNET. I shall dust off my little BLIGDEAS folder (thats BIG BLOG IDEAS rolled into one) and pulla gem or two out. I have to focus. Which of course,is hard to do when you are writing a novel and working full time... Not to mention trying not to kill your father,brother,mother and teh rest of your self absorbed family.

While they are out making babies i shall do the nobler thing.... I shall educate. Or try to at least inform.


My grammar is horrible...my spelling deplorable...my views narrow minded violent and obscene but i can tell you one thing

I am honest.

I'm not here to make money,friends,or fame.

I am here to piss you off.

So fuck it all and on with the show.

Why GI Joe is an Abortion of a Movie

Sometimes you can tell a movie is bad just by the trailer-whether it be too much action or too much plot or it just turns you off.

Well GI JOE was that movie trailer for me. It had too much action, too much plot and generally looked like a Michael Bay abortion of a movie.

Then I saw him

"FANTASTIC?"

Christopher Eccleston. I love me some Eccleston mainly due to the fact he was the 9^th Doctor Who.

I also wanted to see it for nostalgia. GI Joe was one of those thinks I loved as a kid—and

when I mean loved I mean I loved throwing them out the window in my She-ra costume and making my younger brother cry.

Then I saw the cast list and it’s a who’s who wtf casting-

Channing Tatum was tapped as Duke. CHANNING TATUM??? This dude and ex-stripper better known for the Step Up movies….are you fucking kidding me? Way too young and has one face…

BLUE STEEL…

Oh it gets better…

Playing the Baroness Was Sienna Miller-

Who I thought was Kate Bekinsale the whole movie. But even worse I have no idea what she has done besides ruin Jude Law’s marriage…oh well. She did do well running around in a corset and heels with PERFECT HAIR.

Dukes best bud better known as Rip Cord was played by a Wayans brother

….Marlon.. I think…He is one of the twins-the ugly one. Who is known for…being a Wayans brother and was supposed to be the comic relief but not only did was not funny he stalked then only female Joe the whole movie.

"Gowai,Stalker! Oh wait yur like Edward. I rove u!!"

I have no idea who she was but Scarlet was very inept at her duties and looked perfect at all times in her corset and heels-she had a MOTHERFUCKING crossbow.

Bitches doesn’t get a gun apparently, we get cross bows.

Rounding out the cast was
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as heavy duty.

"I will break you"

He’s more known for being Mr. Echo in the show LOST or as Adebise from the show OZ. The latter being one of my all time favorite television shows. I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t take Channing and bend him over a sink and butt fuck him with his little headphones on. I would have paid twelve fiddy to see that!

Saïd Taghmaoui who was Breaker-

who one of my friends thought was John Legueizamo the WHOLE MOVIE. I don’t know what movie this guy was in but he usually plays Arab terrorist #2. Sad. He actually did a good job acting wise.

Arnold Vosloo, the guy from the Mummy was also around an

d of course since he was kind of cool- so they have him as less screen time as p

ossible.

Ray Park who is the coolest stunt man EVER was Snake Eyes.

He needed to be on screen more. SERIOUSLY.

And a Drunk Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

Why Dennis why? Was Adam Baldwin indisposed? Was Michael Ironside still pissed that they didn’t pay him more for Terminator-Salvation? Did Bruce Campbell say FUCK NO,EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS?

I digress.

And then there was the Cobra Commander himself- played by Jason Gorden-Levitt.

"Not the cobra commander but you get the idea.

That’s the kid from Third Rock from the sun folks, who apparently could act. But not in this movie.

He looked more like Darth Vader with a Severus Snape Wig who whined the whole movie and had kind of a thing for his sister. WHAT?

And this chick. As Shitty RedShirt #1. WOST ACTRESS OF THE MOVIE!

In retrospect looking at the cast list I should have run away screaming. Buyt I didn’t. Instead I got really drunk and went to go see it with semi suspicious Dr Who pals.

I made a Face book event and told people this movie looked bad. I remember watching Mirrors and Ghost Ship on the sauce and laughed my ass off. I thought I would laugh instead:

This movie made me sober up

Watching it I thought—this movie. its so familiar..Oh yea Team America:World Police! This move was TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. WITH SHITTER CGI! Here is the plot folks- yes this is the plot:

SPOILERSPOILERSPOLIERS

The movie starts with giving us some bacround on Ellecestons characters anscentor who was a double arms dealer and then the French punished him by wearing a mask.---*sigh @ Doctor Doom rip off*-so fast forward to the present day and Destro (as he later is known as) is trying sell NATO a weapon of Nanomites (Star Trek TNG rip off) that eat metal. And NATO eats this up (pun fucking intended) and want some. What could go wrong with the incompetent NATO having NEW IMPROVED WOMD’s?? And of course Duke and his annoying friend Rip cord are set to transport the warheads (4) with three hummers, two choppers and a Truck. Good job guys. The US Army is made of Dee dee dee’s. Well Destro, of course double crosses them (cliché) and the Baroness, who seems has a history with duke (more cliché). Then we meet the Joe’s, which Duke wants to join and his Mary-sue antics make him part of the team. Back acting and crappy plot continues the movie is a crappy CGI random explosion chicks in tight outfits extravaganza. The whole plot of the movie is how Destro wants to rule the world by fear (and is so Ronrey and Roves the Baroness) but of course we find out in several flashbacks-that the Baroness was engaged to Duke and how he promised to take care of her brother (who became the Cobra Commander) and more flashbacks we see that Snake Eyes, who never says a word -was a scrappy Irish Orphan lost and stealing food in Japan (oh how Empire of the Sun of you) and is quickly taken in with a Chinese Karate Monastery (oh kk how ) and of course Storm Shadow-a Cobra in training- has a problem with this.

Oh god the flash backs are retarded and come at the worst times-Ever. They hurt my brain ya’ll!

That’s the whole movie. I kept thinking in my head: “Why does Michael Bay keep making shitty movies?” and then quickly remembered- THIS ISN”T A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. This movie isn’t even 1980’s movie violence. And what was worse was the acting. When the best acting comes from a Wayans brother-you have to wonder. Blue steel, un-realistic women’s attire and a drunk Dennis Quaid.

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.