Saturday, August 15, 2009

Why GI Joe is an Abortion of a Movie



Sometimes you can tell a movie is bad just by the trailer-whether it be too much action or too much plot or it just turns you off.


Well GI JOE was that movie trailer for me. It had too much action, too much plot and generally looked like a Michael Bay abortion of a movie.


Then I saw him


"FANTASTIC?"



Christopher Eccleston. I love me some Eccleston mainly due to the fact he was the 9th Doctor Who.

I also wanted to see it for nostalgia. GI Joe was one of those thinks I loved as a kid—and

when I mean loved I mean I loved throwing them out the window in my She-ra costume and making my younger brother cry.


Then I saw the cast list and it’s a who’s who wtf casting-


Channing Tatum was tapped as Duke. CHANNING TATUM??? This dude and ex-stripper better known for the Step Up movies….are you fucking kidding me? Way too young and has one face

BLUE STEEL…


Oh it gets better…


Playing the Baroness Was Sienna Miller-

Who I thought was Kate Bekinsale the whole movie. But even worse I have no idea what she has done besides ruin Jude Law’s marriage…oh well. She did do well running around in a corset and heels with PERFECT HAIR.

Dukes best bud better known as Rip Cord was played by a Wayans brother

….Marlon.. I think…He is one of the twins-the ugly one. Who is known for…being a Wayans brother and was supposed to be the comic relief but not only did was not funny he stalked then only female Joe the whole movie.

"Gowai,Stalker! Oh wait yur like Edward. I rove u!!"


I have no idea who she was but Scarlet was very inept at her duties and looked perfect at all times in her corset and heels-she had a MOTHERFUCKING crossbow.


Bitches doesn’t get a gun apparently, we get cross bows.


Rounding out the cast was
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as heavy duty.

"I will break you"



He’s more known for being Mr. Echo in the show LOST or as Adebise from the show OZ. The latter being one of my all time favorite television shows. I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t take Channing and bend him over a sink and butt fuck him with his little headphones on. I would have paid twelve fiddy to see that!


Saïd Taghmaoui who was Breaker-

who one of my friends thought was John Legueizamo the WHOLE MOVIE. I don’t know what movie this guy was in but he usually plays Arab terrorist #2. Sad. He actually did a good job acting wise.

Arnold Vosloo, the guy from the Mummy was also around an

d of course since he was kind of cool- so they have him as less screen time as p

ossible.


Ray Park who is the coolest stunt man EVER was Snake Eyes.

He needed to be on screen more. SERIOUSLY.


And a Drunk Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

Why Dennis why? Was Adam Baldwin indisposed? Was Michael Ironside still pissed that they didn’t pay him more for Terminator-Salvation? Did Bruce Campbell say FUCK NO,EVEN I HAVE STANDARDS?

I digress.


And then there was the Cobra Commander himself- played by Jason Gorden-Levitt.

"Not the cobra commander but you get the idea.


That’s the kid from Third Rock from the sun folks, who apparently could act. But not in this movie.

He looked more like Darth Vader with a Severus Snape Wig who whined the whole movie and had kind of a thing for his sister. WHAT?

And this chick. As Shitty RedShirt #1. WOST ACTRESS OF THE MOVIE!


In retrospect looking at the cast list I should have run away screaming. Buyt I didn’t. Instead I got really drunk and went to go see it with semi suspicious Dr Who pals.

I made a Face book event and told people this movie looked bad. I remember watching Mirrors and Ghost Ship on the sauce and laughed my ass off. I thought I would laugh instead:


This movie made me sober up


Watching it I thought—this movie. its so familiar..Oh yea Team America:World Police! This move was TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. WITH SHITTER CGI! Here is the plot folks- yes this is the plot:



SPOILERSPOILERSPOLIERS

The movie starts with giving us some bacround on Ellecestons characters anscentor who was a double arms dealer and then the French punished him by wearing a mask.---*sigh @ Doctor Doom rip off*-so fast forward to the present day and Destro (as he later is known as) is trying sell NATO a weapon of Nanomites (Star Trek TNG rip off) that eat metal. And NATO eats this up (pun fucking intended) and want some. What could go wrong with the incompetent NATO having NEW IMPROVED WOMD’s?? And of course Duke and his annoying friend Rip cord are set to transport the warheads (4) with three hummers, two choppers and a Truck. Good job guys. The US Army is made of Dee dee dee’s. Well Destro, of course double crosses them (cliché) and the Baroness, who seems has a history with duke (more cliché). Then we meet the Joe’s, which Duke wants to join and his Mary-sue antics make him part of the team. Back acting and crappy plot continues the movie is a crappy CGI random explosion chicks in tight outfits extravaganza. The whole plot of the movie is how Destro wants to rule the world by fear (and is so Ronrey and Roves the Baroness) but of course we find out in several flashbacks-that the Baroness was engaged to Duke and how he promised to take care of her brother (who became the Cobra Commander) and more flashbacks we see that Snake Eyes, who never says a word -was a scrappy Irish Orphan lost and stealing food in Japan (oh how Empire of the Sun of you) and is quickly taken in with a Chinese Karate Monastery (oh kk how ) and of course Storm Shadow-a Cobra in training- has a problem with this.


Oh god the flash backs are retarded and come at the worst times-Ever. They hurt my brain ya’ll!


That’s the whole movie. I kept thinking in my head: “Why does Michael Bay keep making shitty movies?” and then quickly remembered- THIS ISN”T A MICHAEL BAY MOVIE. This movie isn’t even 1980’s movie violence. And what was worse was the acting. When the best acting comes from a Wayans brother-you have to wonder. Blue steel, un-realistic women’s attire and a drunk Dennis Quaid.



RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Trent Reznor is a weenie



Trent Reznor is a weenie.

There i said it.

I have been meaning to say it for awhile but didn't want to stir up trouble. But its too late isn't it. Apparently, I was banned from NIN.com. Now, I'm not bitter. As a matter of fact, I am rather relieved. I have been lurking for months with nothing to say- and now i don't need to say a thing.

You see Trent Reznor-who is the sound and main voice behind Nine Inch Nails- decided it was a good idea to go headfirst into social media.

He found this little thing called Twitter and even met a lady on there. But people had hard opinions because private became public.

Anyone who had a difference of opinion- was swiftly banned.

Then there came Metal Sludge.

Its a groupie site that prides itself on gossip and snark.

Some shit they have said its screwed up but who knew the King of Industrial music had thin skinned. Come on dude. Its just opinions.

So pimp decides that he doesn't like the snark and gets peoples IP address' and bans the members on there who are members of NIN.com

---Isn't this an invasion of privacy?

I mean,its not like we are posting peoples address' and telling other fans to slit thier wrists- all things TR has done.

Its a separate fucking site!

He has recently quit twitter and taken his fiancée with him. Which is ok, because she was making an ass out of herself.

Trent,you are a grown ass man who claims privacy yet breaches it.Thats a little hypocritical.You don't know me. If you were to pull that bitchassnes in front of me i would tell you a thing or two.I'm not a coward. I'm not a troll either.

GROW THE HELL UP.

Seriously.

And tell you're fiance to put on some underwear.

Just a friendly suggestion.

I'm still goin to listen to you're music but if your rather have fans who would cut NIN into their boobs or make dresses that resemble you're album covers- so be it. You're the one losing street cred by letting her lead you around by the balls. And no,just because I like your music doesn't mean i am going to buy a Ming and Ping or West Indian Girl album. And there is no way in hells bells am i going to buy her solo project.

And even though she compares herself to Yoko ono,Yoko Ono she is not.
Yoko at least was a shrewed businesswoman and a talented artist.

I like you're music-NIN or solo with a piano.

I'm not going to support them,I rather much get a new NIN album you'll write when she goes back to her exbf Francis Ten.

Because you're still a weenie.

And thats all i have to say.

Weenie